why we're not going out

let's start with the short list, shall we?

1. you live in the 909, 949, 562 or the 661 (you may be able to talk me into why it was a good property investment, but that won't explain why you're actually living there)
2. you want to convince me of why life is better behind the orange curtain
3. you can't stop talking about how much you hate LA (go back to wherever the hell you came from already, really)
4. you have someone else's name tattooed somewhere on your person
5. you're emotionally damaged beyond repair
6. you're verbally (or in any other way) abusive
7. you've attempted suicide (even one time is too many)
8. you're old enough to be my father
9. you're so young i can't help but think of how old someone would have to be, to be my father
10. you want me to pass your script off to someone (i know, it's really good, and i still don't care)
11. you don't find my insatiable nature endearing (i like to think of it as being driven)
12. you're put off by any degree of kink
13. you're so kinky that it puts me off (foot fetishes go here)
14. my girlfriends can't stand you
15. you can't stand my guy friends
16. you're threatened by my friends
17. you're threatened by me
18. i can't bring you out with my colleagues
19. you're not gainfully employed
20. you're an actor (sorry, i don't date talent)
21. you're a picky eater
22. you're a vegetarian/vegan
23. your name is scott
24. your name is peter
25. we have nothing to talk about and conversation borders on the monosyllabic
26. silence makes you uncomfortable
27. your commitment issues are deeper seated than mine
28. i'm taller than you in heels (come on! i'm barely 5'2"!)
29. you've ever thought it was ok to use meth (even if you're in construction)
30. you still think doing coke every weekend is 'recreational'
31. you've had a restraining order taken out against you (even if she was 'asking for it')
32. you never imbibe and/or have never had a drop of booze in your life
33. you imbibe so much that i don't really recognize you when you're not inebriated
34. you're even remotely felonious
35. you're more of a primper than i am
36. you don't primp at all
37. you think an entire closet of one designer's clothes is having style
38. you wear too many earrings
39. you wear really bad, ill fitted, or worn out underwear
40. you never, ever wear underwear
41. you don't appreciate my underwear (or lack thereof)
42. you don't defend my honor (even when we both know i don't need you to)
43. you have a limp handshake
44. i feel like my balls are bigger than yours (this is obviously figurative and not literal)
45. you have no presence or worse yet, you're not present
46. your confidence borders on arrogance
47. you're insecure or otherwise need to have your ego regularly reinflated
48. you're rude to the help
49. you generally don't think to say thank you
50. you're a liar (or any other incarnation of dishonest, including with yourself)
51. you're less motivated than i am
52. you like to sleep the weekends away entirely
53. you never sleep in on sunday and roll out of bed for brunch
54. you need a mommy
55. you routinely butcher the english language (i'll bend a little if you're esl.. everyone knows i have a thing for foreigners ;)
56. your idea of reading is skimming the back of the cereal box
57. you haven't the slightest interest in what i'm reading
58. you never smoke
59. you're a chain smoker/smoke in the house
60. you absolutely hate cats
61. your politics are extreme (to either end of the spectrum)
62. you hate the 80's new wave i listen to in the car
63. you don't get why i like kcrw
64. you don't like to dance (or you expect me to lead)
65. you think my volunteer work is a waste of time
66. you work for me/with me
67. you're married, but really, it's over (i've been you and i'm sooo not interested)
68. you don't watch porn
69. you watch porn that is illegal in most liberal western countries
70. you like to have sex with the lights off
71. you have bad teeth (and you're not british and incredibly hot, sexy, witty and bright)
72. you usually date asian women (and feel the need to reiterate this often)
73. you don't have a car
74. you don't know how to drive a manual
75. you drive a miata (sorry, i won't be able to help making fun of you)
76. you think i should be really impressed by what you drive (unless you think i'm sexy driving aforementioned car, in which case, i have been known to make an exception or two)
77. you're a slow, defensive driver and/or squeamish about my driving
78. you constantly want me to put the top up
79. you can't leave the house without your baseball cap
80. you snore so loud i can't sleep ... even when you're not drunk
81. you have no idea what i mean about energy no matter how many times i explain it
82. you scoff at my yoga practice/running and refuse to even give it a try
83. you can't respect that i really do like to be alone sometimes and it has nothing to do with you
84. you can't understand that i really am a busy girl (if i didn't want to see you, you'd be the first to know)
85. you insist on making plans but cannot keep them to save your life
86. you don't like to travel
87. you have a total inability to be spontaneous
88. you're not into using condoms because you're "clean" or they "don't fit you"
89. you haven't been tested in years because "you know you're clean"
90. you're a bigot or a racist
91. yOuVe eVeR WriTTen LiKe tHiS
92. you don't find any humor in my sarcasm
93. you're gay (worse yet, you don't know it, but i do)
94. i have to explain my humor to the point that it's no longer funny
95. you wear white socks with black trousers
96. you have really bad tattoos (or you hate mine)
97. i love your accent but can't for the life of me understand you
98. you're a scientologist
99. i'm just not that into you

of course, some rules are made to be broken, (wink, wink). bonus points to anyone who can connect the dots and figure out which of these correlates to men i've dated and which one(s) apply to the man i'm living with!